But, I trust...

Was reading in Psalm 31 tonight. It's funny how I'm supposed to be much further along in this book, yet each time I do manage to read at night (like I committed to), God smacks me in the face with stuff. It's a really cool thing, except for when it hurts.

Verse 14 comes right after the author has been talking about how horrible his life is. The author says "But, I trust in You, O Lord; I say 'You are my God.' My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let Your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your unfailing love...How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in You."

Lately, it feels like it's very easy to distrust God. Even though He's doing some really cool things, I just don't like a lot of the stuff He's doing. If I were to be dramatic, I would say He's letting my enemies walk around willy-nilly and do whatever they want (I say dramatic, because I really don't have that many enemies to speak of, but the point is still, well, pointy). These verses reminded me that when I look at my world and it looks like things are falling apart at the seams, I need to say "no matter what, I trust in You." I love the phrase "my times are in Your Hands" -- especially this week as I look to get WAY more stuff done than what I actually have time to do. God's got this, whether I see it or not, so why not believe it without seeing it and receive that much more grace with my faith?!?!

Ouch...that hurts!

Whatever You're Doing - by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos
but I believe You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

It's so amazing how I can say to everyone else that they just need to trust God. Trust God. He loves you and will NOT do things for your harm. Why is that when stuff God does in me starts to feel bad, I begin to distrust Him? I know He's there. He says He's there and loves me. He's not going to allow me to be in situations He's not allowed. Why is it so easy to lose that trust when life seems blurry, unclear, or just plain hurts?

God, help me with my unbelief!

Lift it up...do not be afraid!

In my temptation to walk away*And through the endless troubled days*There's a hundred million ways*For me to release Your praise*And by and by, through the tears*And things You've taught me through the years*My whole life was designed by You*I'll never know anyone half as true*Lift it up, I lift it up*Lift it up so You can see*Lift it up, I lift it up*Lift it up from inside of me*Lift it up, I lift it up*Lift it up so You can see*Lift it up, I lift it up*So I lift it*I lift it up to You*And I'll never forget the times that we've been through*So I lift it*I said I lift it up to You*And I surrender all of me*To You, to You, to You*Everything I'll ever be*To You, to You, to You*I surrender all of me. - Lift it Up by Thousand Foot Krutch

"You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain. You who bring good things to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, 'Here is your God!'" - Isaiah 40:9

I'm so afraid. Always concerned about really lifting what I have inside of me to God. I think I'm scared that 1) Others will look at me, askance, and ask "what on earth are you shouting about on that mountain, girl?" or 2) I will start shouting and God won't come to the party...

Was reading about Elijah this week in Bible reading. If I was on Mount Carmel, I don't know that I would have set that whole elaborate show up for God. I would have been afraid that if I did, and He didn't show up, I would have messed everyone up. What's that about??? Why do I always feel the need to defend a God Who's thoughts are so much higher than mine? Why do I constantly fear that truly connecting with Him will reveal a God Who is not big enough to handle my problems?

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, or with the breath of His hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who has understood the mind of the Lord or instructed Him as His counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten Him, and who taught Him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed Him the path of understanding?" -Isaiah 40:12-14

I think God can handle it. Now, I just need to believe it!

Would I? YES!

"Let's say that God gave you chance right now to take a sneak peek at the next ten years of your life. Would you look? Why or why not?" - Mieka Phillips in Green's Not Your Best Color

Okay, so I know the proper "Christian" answer to this should probably be "no." After all, saying "yes" sort of indicates that I am not trusting God to give me a good life or that I am unwilling to be faithful with the little things that He has given me now without a look at what He will/will not give me in the future. Regardless my answer to this question is always a loud, unequivocal, (let's face it) scream from the rooftops with a bullhorn, "YES!"

I've been so discouraged this week. A huge part of it is my future plans and having them without having them. I'm having to commit to another year of something I don't want to commit to, and in doing that, I feel like I'm signing off on another huge portion of my life, both financially and locationally (is that even a word??). God's giving me perfect peace about committing; it's just my own selfish desires and my views of the expectations of others for my life still have to die. For some reason, every time I think they are vanquished well and good, a tendril begins to wave around and softly say, "This isn't what you signed up for! What on earth are we doing this for again? Is this good for us? What are other people thinking about us? Aren't you really, really unhappy?" and manages to resuscitate the whole set of me-focused desires and false expectations again to live another day.

My desires and expectations demand a guarantee. They want a promise that this is the best life for me. They want to know that behaving in a way that defies what I want at the time will benefit me in the end. They insist on a promise.

The Holy Spirit in me reassures me over, and over, and over, and over again that following God is the best life for me. That doing what He wants and going where I sense He is leading, regardless of how I feel about it at the time, will be best for me. My experience and logic (yeah, it's crazy that I'm about to use logic in this situation) remind me that God's never let me down in the past and following Him has always been best (even when it's been really hard).

Yet, I'm discouraged tonight. I want God to just kill off everything in me that causes me to doubt Him and His plan. I want to believe.

Lord, help me with my unbelief!

What I like to hear.

Was reading in 1 Kings 12 last night where it talks about King Rehoboam. Striking to me was his lack of discernment. Instead of listening to the elders who has served the king and their advice, Rehoboam listened to his buddies. He led the people in such a way that soon nobody was following him.

It's so easy to listen to the wrong advice. I love listening to people and their different opinions, but when push comes to shove, my first responsibility is to listen to God and what He tells me to do. Granted, He often sends wisdom in the form of others along the way, but I need to be cautious not to put too much weight in bad advice!

What costs me nothing

Was reading in 1 Chronicles 21 today. It's a tough passage to read, very much about the strict nature of God, but David's response to his sin stuck out to me tonight. David had sinned against God and the bottom line was that the angel of God was standing at the edge of Araunah's field when God told him to stop killing Israelites. David was able to see the angel and went to Araunah and asked if he could buy his field for the purpose of building an altar to God and sacrifice to Him. Araunah said [my paraphrase] "Take it, and my oxen and crops too! Take whatever you need!" David's response was "No, I insist on paying the full price. I will not take for the Lord what is yours, or sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing" (verse 24).

As I thought about this tonight, I thought about how many things I get credit for giving God that really cost me nothing. He has gifted me in many ways and I am able to use many of those gifts on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. People are constantly telling me what a good job I do, but in reality, those gifts I give to God by serving others often cost me nothing. My "sacrifice" isn't really a sacrifice because it doesn't cost me anything.

This is not to say that God doesn't want me to do those things for Him, or that He is only looking for sacrifices (there are plenty of Scriptures that contradict both), but looking at David's response sort of made me think. After all, David got the fact that what had happened was his responsibility and that He needed to come to God with what meant something to him. When I am looking to sacrifice, before I pat myself on the back for teaching or counseling or speaking in front of others (which are all relatively easy for me to do), I need to look at what I've given God that costs me something. After all, that's really what He's looking for: for me to lay down my own stuff and pick up the cross daily and follow Him.

Anyone want to see what's in MY box?

"Faith unchallenged is faith stifled...some of our belief systems haven't changed in so long, they have cobwebs. Believers who know what they want to believe and refuse to be challenged may have a stand of faith, but they may not have a walk of faith."

- Beth Moore

"I am God, and there is no other;

I am God and there is none like Me,"

- God (Is. 46:9)

As I've started this Bible study and have been faced with some of my own issues, I realize how much I have begun to believe I've got God figured out. I've settled into a comfortable faith, filled with a few nice armchairs, a comfy blanket, a nice fire in the fireplace, and my favorite Bible with new highlighters on the end table beside me. God has become a cozy friend, One I feel comfortable with and Who has responses I feel I can predict.

Beth pointed out in her message yesterday that God isn't called the Lion of Judah for nothing. After all, He's not exactly tame! Why do I think I want this comfort level with God? Am I afraid to leave my cozy chair and see what He's actually doing outside? After all, I hate the injustice and evil I see in the world, why do I want to just stay safe? Why do I design a beautiful box with pre-planned dimensions that I try to cram God into? God is not to be boxed, shellacked, or mounted on the wall for me to look at every once in a while as a prize I have found. He's God like no other. I want to serve a God like that!

Perceptions

Listened to Beth's message for Session 2 tonight. Sometimes, I feel like I need two writing hands to keep up with stuff that sticks out to me! I wanted to write these down before I forget them:

Great wisdom resides in taking an inventory of how we have developed our present perceptions of God - do I see God as powerless, unhelpful, unwilling, unable, insufficient, mean, or not God at all? Where did I get my views of God? Was it from (even well-meaning) people who tried to make God behave and fit into their boxes of Him? Am I carving a god out of the image of man (Ps. 135:18 - "those who make them [idols] will be like them).

Sometimes we may realize we have created a god in man's own image - We will be reflections of the god we perceive. We will never have faith that exceeds the strength of the god we perceive. Our God has to be the God of the Bible because He's the only One who can truly save us. The god that some of us have been taught does not have the power to deliver us. We are directly affected by who we believe God is. Who does my life testify God to be? Does God recognize Himself in how I describe Him, or is such a morphed, watered-down, limited perception that when I pray to Him, He asks, "Kiddo, are you talking to Me? I don't even recognize myself."

This weekend was such a challenge. I fought and fought God, resisting trusting Him even with the small things that He asked of me. What would it look like if I truly loosed God's Spirit in my life? What if I finally let His personality reign in my heart (which would mean that I would trust God fully as the Holy Spirit does)? Would I set my world on fire? Am I so afraid of being burned that I won't even try?

My unbelief

Was working on Beth today and she had us read Mark 9:14-32. I've always imagined Jesus' tone in the passage to be extremely passionate. He's just come off the mountain where Elijah and Moses appear with him and He runs into his disciples arguing with the teachers of the law surrounded by a crowd. What a let-down! I mean, you just got done talking with two patriarchs of the the O.T. and your immediately confronted with a cat-fight. He even says to them " O unbelieving generation, how long will I put up with you?" The argument centers around a boy who has been possessed by a demon since birth. Jesus demands the boy be brought to him and the father says "if you can do anything, please take pity on us." Jesus says, "If you can?" [emphasis added] and then explains that all things are possible for him who believes. The boy's father cries out "I do believe; help me with my unbelief!"

If I were to get a tattoo, I think that last phrase would have to be incorporated somehow! I was thinking a lot this week about dreams I have given up based on the limitations I have put on myself and God. What's my deal? Why do I think that I need to give God a safety net? Even in my prayers, I always give Him choices. When will I simply believe that He will do what He says He is going to do? Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing okay with my faith. Like, I'm depending on God to do what He says He will do in most areas. Then, when I'm faced with the facts, I realize the extent of my own organization of my life and contingency plans and realize that I'm really not believing God at all, but doing my own thing and asking Him to rubber-stamp my plans. Even though this has not been as bad the past several months (as I've been really praying more), I still feel like it's my biggest struggle. When will I stop doubting God's love for me and desire to bless me and simply believe? Lord, help me with my unbelief!

Forgiveness

Was reading a new book by Gary Chapman today titled "Love as a Way of Life." Was very convicted about forgiveness (or my lack of). I really liked his section titled "Loving the person who refuses to apologize." Highlights below:

Habits to Acquire: If the person who hurt you will not or cannot apologize, remember that it is still possible to release your anger toward her/him.
1. Release - release the person to God, Who is both just and loving. I am not compelled to seek revenge, because I have made the choice to release both my anger and the person who wronged me to God's justice and love.
2. Confess - confess your own failures in the situation. Anger should be a visitor, not a resident.
3. Return Good for Bad - express love even to those who mistreat us.
4. Use Your Pain Well - when you follow the above three steps, you will be free to go on with your life and use your time and energy in a constructive way.
Fear is a competitor to forgiveness, but it is not as strong as love. When we love others who wrong us, we find a freedom from our fears that allows us to enjoy our relationships like never before.

I especially liked the "anger should be a visitor" part. It is very convicting to me! I like to give it a bedroom and charge rent way too often!

I have not because I ask not...

Was reading in Judges 13 tonight, which tells the story of the birth of Samson. I know I've read it before, but I was struck by something different tonight. However, background first...

Samson's parents had been childless. An angel of the Lord appears to the wife and tells her that she's going to have a son and that he will be a Nazirite (set apart for God's work). She's so excited that she goes to her husband and tells him, but also tells him that she forgot to ask what the "man of God's name was" (she didn't know he was an angel) or anything else about raising this kid. The father (Manoah) cries out to God, asking him to send the "man of God" back to them to tell them how to raise this kid. God hears his prayer and sends the angel again, who eventually reveals himself as an angel and gives them more particulars on how to raise this kid(sidenote: verses 22-23 are one of the best examples of a practical wife I've read in a long time, but that's neither here nor there).

So, as I'm reading this, I'm considering what I would have done in this situation had I been Manoah. If I was told that a man of God had come to my spouse and I had missed it, would I have cried out to God and asked him to send the man back? Looking at myself honestly, I probably wouldn't have. I probably would have said, "Man! I missed out!" and tried to muddle through on my own raising the kid the best I could have. The thing I need to ask myself is why wouldn't I ask God for help?

I really set myself up. I believe with the best of 'em that God wants to do great things in and through me, but again and again I try to do the things I think I can handle on my own. For example, I was taking an aptitude test tonight in class and did I ask God for help? No.

I know the reasoning (in fact, I can explain it backwords, forwards, standing on my head, and swimming underwater eating crackers), but it's really, really wrong. God has a desire to be a part of EVERYTHING in my life. I firmly believe that. I don't necessarily believe that He wants to take my aptitude test for me, but I do believe that He wants to be a part of it. I don't have Him as a part of things because I don't ask for Him to be a part of things. I just need to ask. Who knows? Perhaps someday He will send the angel back or complete the verbal reasoning section for me. I'll never know unless I ask, right?

God's Purpose

"I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills His purpose for me.
He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me;
God sends His love and faithfulness."

-Psalm 57:2-3

This verse meant a lot to me tonight, especially as I look at the big picture of trying to believe God. I love that God sends His love and faithfulness to me :-) He is going to fulfill His purpose in me; that's one more thing I can believe about Him.

Sancti-what?

Sanctify
–verb (used with object), -fied, -fy·ing.
1. to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate

Beth (Moore) challenged us tonight in the study to do something in the next nine weeks of our study to raise our level of sanctification (I'm not sure exactly how she said it, but the bottom line was to give something up or do something that would create a mind-set of having this time set apart for God).

I'm struggling with this tonight. On the one hand, I feel like there are some things I could give up to set apart this time as sacred, reminding myself that I want to remove hindrances that will distract me. On the other hand, I tend to be legalistic to begin with and I don't want to miss what God has for me because I'm so busy avoiding certain activities in order to see Him better. I feel like before I "give something up" or "do something different," I really need to have a clear direction from God. On the other hand, it's hard to give stuff up, so I need to be open to the idea that God might be asking me to set aside an activity (or two) in order to have more time to set apart for Him. More to come on this I guess. In the meantime, I'm wearing a blue cord on my wrist and in addition to reminding myself of what is going on here, I'm also going to remind myself that I'm looking for God to lead me, especially in the direction of sanctification.

I enjoyed the time tonight. We pretty much spent the whole time in study listening to the first session's tape. A couple of things really stuck out, but the first was certainly when she said "I believe we can live our whole lives and never make it to the promised land." Her assertion is that the promised land for the Christian is NOT heaven, but a place of possession where my theology meets my reality (when my walk looks like my talk). I want this in theory, but I'm not sure that I really WANT it yet. It is going to be interesting to see if/when my heart and head align during this nine weeks.

The second thing was her five statement pledge of faith:
1. God is Who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He will do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's Word is alive and active in me.
Man, if I can truly believe these things, there ain't nothing in this world that can stop me from reaching my promised land!! I'm excited about this study. It will be cool to see what God is gonna do!

In my presumption

Was reading in Numbers last week. I was struck by the parallels between Israel and myself when I disobey. In chapter 14, the report comes back from the promised land and the people react in fear about attacking the "giants" of the land. God eventually kills the people who brought the bad report, stirring up Israel, and Israel realizes her sin. God tells them the consequence will be no promised land for any of them (with the exception of those who had faith God would be able to what He said He would). "Nevertheless, in their presumption" they went out and tried to take on the Amalekites and Canaanites without God. Obviously, they were defeated and all of them died in the desert without ever seeing the promised land.

It's so hard not to "make up" for the mistakes I make. Often, when I confess disobedience, I try so hard to make it better on my own. I travel without God, trying to clear the way ahead to show Him I can do good things. What a waste of my time! I love the phrase "Nevertheless, in their presumption" because it describes perfectly my heart condition too much of the time! I think that can help God out or make the world recognize Him more in me (after I've diminished Him in my life) by doing things that bring Him glory. I so often miss the point. God's not looking for me to go out and find battles, He's looking for me to follow Him into battles. I need to watch myself and my presumption. I need to ask first; then follow.

Tryin' somethin' new

Lately, it feels like trying to spend time with God is like swimming upstream, in a dress (with heels and nylons), no life jacket and eight pound weights. This blog is an attempt to break up the status quo.

Starting Wednesday night (if all goes as planned), I will be starting the Bible study "Believing God" by Beth Moore with a group of friends. I'm excited, but nervous as it seems like lately God and I are more like acquaintances rather than best friends. I've felt strongly that this is something I'm needing to do though, so I'm eager to see where God will take it.

Just finished reading the book "In the Meantime: the practice of proactive waiting" by Rob Brendle and have been convicted that I need to stop thinking of my "lions and bears" as a problem, but rather as a training device used by God to grow me into the person He desires to use. The author discusses King David's "rise to power" and I began to realize how loooooong that actually took. Waiting is so hard. Sometimes, I can relate to Luke Skywalker far more than I can relate to the teenager David, simply waiting and watching the sheep until God calls him to slay Goliath. I do NOT want to be a whiner anymore though! I need to look at this time in my life as a part of what God is doing, not as something to wade through until I get to the end of it!