While doing Bible study tonight, I stumbled across the passage where God sends His angels to talk to Abram and confirm his promise/covenant with him. Sarah overhears the conversation and laughs, saying "there's no way this is gonna work" [Gina paraphrase]. The angels (in the other room) call her out on it and she lies and says she didn't laugh. The angels tell her nothing is impossible with God.
I have been feeling very discouraged about my life lately. Sometimes, it seems like God has simply forgotten about the bigger plan of my life. He's got the little details worked, but not the bigger plan. The biggest way I've seen this lack of faith worked out in my life has been my attitude towards my future (job, spouse, kids, etc.). I've been acting really hopeless - almost as though I don't believe in any of the things that God has called me to believe in anymore.
I'm not sure when it happened. Perhaps it was when I started looking at my next birthday. Sometimes, I feel like my adult life is never going to start and I will never move beyond this place. Sometimes, I get very afraid of what God might have for me in the future. Either way, it's all translating into a lack of faith on my part, and I need to work on this. God's got the bigger picture too...I need to trust Him!! I do not want to be Sarah in the other room - laughing because I don't believe my God is big enough!!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Leaning
"Wherever you hear the sound of the trumpet, join us there. Our God will fight for us!" - Nehemiah to the Israelites.
"Lord, what a comfort it is that You will fight for me! The battle is Yours. My battle is to trust You, lean into You with all of me. Help me to remember to trust You..." - Debbie Alsdorf
I always get this wrong. Either I fight myself, or I refuse to join the battle. I love the picture Debbie paints of leaning into God. When I think of leaning on something, I think of it has being a stable object; one that can fully support me. I think that's the trickiest part of leaning into God for me: I am constantly not in sinc with Him, so when I decide I'm too tired in my own strength, I stop and lean over and He's not there because I'm in the wrong battle entirely. Granted, that's not true (as God is never NOT there), but I do think there are times when I totally miss the battle. I'm the Israelite in on the other side of the city when the trumpet sounds who simply didn't hear it because she was too engrossed in the latest craze. I want to be leaning into God SO HARD, that those looking at me and my walk from the outside simply cannot tell where I am in comparison to God. What a cool idea: to be a seamless extension of God to the world around me.
God, help me to lean on You more and more every day!!
"Lord, what a comfort it is that You will fight for me! The battle is Yours. My battle is to trust You, lean into You with all of me. Help me to remember to trust You..." - Debbie Alsdorf
I always get this wrong. Either I fight myself, or I refuse to join the battle. I love the picture Debbie paints of leaning into God. When I think of leaning on something, I think of it has being a stable object; one that can fully support me. I think that's the trickiest part of leaning into God for me: I am constantly not in sinc with Him, so when I decide I'm too tired in my own strength, I stop and lean over and He's not there because I'm in the wrong battle entirely. Granted, that's not true (as God is never NOT there), but I do think there are times when I totally miss the battle. I'm the Israelite in on the other side of the city when the trumpet sounds who simply didn't hear it because she was too engrossed in the latest craze. I want to be leaning into God SO HARD, that those looking at me and my walk from the outside simply cannot tell where I am in comparison to God. What a cool idea: to be a seamless extension of God to the world around me.
God, help me to lean on You more and more every day!!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Deeply afraid
"The law of gravity is evident when you drop something causing it to fall straight toward the center of the earth. So it is with the laws governing the relationship between belief and behavior. What you believe affects how you behave." -William Backus and Marie Chapian
"Lord, I need to be focused on your strength and power rather than on my weakness and inability. All things are possible through You. You work out everything according to Your will, using ordinary human flesh. You use real people such as Moses, Joshua, and Jeremiah. They seem like such big and mighty men to me, but in reality they were just people learning to follow their God. Teach me how to follow you and how to walk in your strength day by day. Use me as one ordinary woman, empowered by an extraordinary God. Amen." - Debbie Alsdorf
There are so many things to be afraid of. In study today, I had to define "discouraged." I defined it as "to be deprived of confidence hope and spirit." This is in direct contrast to "courageous" which was "to be characterized by bravery." What do people see when they look at me? More importantly, what does God see when He looks at me?
My soul cries out, "God, how am I limiting You in my life today? How do I need to believe You more? I long to be ready for anything and equal to anything through You who infuse your strength in me. Not so people look at me and say how amazing I am, but so that they look at me and say how awesome You are."
"Lord, I need to be focused on your strength and power rather than on my weakness and inability. All things are possible through You. You work out everything according to Your will, using ordinary human flesh. You use real people such as Moses, Joshua, and Jeremiah. They seem like such big and mighty men to me, but in reality they were just people learning to follow their God. Teach me how to follow you and how to walk in your strength day by day. Use me as one ordinary woman, empowered by an extraordinary God. Amen." - Debbie Alsdorf
There are so many things to be afraid of. In study today, I had to define "discouraged." I defined it as "to be deprived of confidence hope and spirit." This is in direct contrast to "courageous" which was "to be characterized by bravery." What do people see when they look at me? More importantly, what does God see when He looks at me?
My soul cries out, "God, how am I limiting You in my life today? How do I need to believe You more? I long to be ready for anything and equal to anything through You who infuse your strength in me. Not so people look at me and say how amazing I am, but so that they look at me and say how awesome You are."
Monday, March 2, 2009
Ah, the rules...and other things that keep me from God.
"When living only to keep the rules, we become like slaves. Our relationship with the Father gets reduced to something God didn't intend it to be. We were created to have intimacy with the Father. In order for this to be so, we must rely on rules, people, things, or other methods of attaining approval, significance, or righteousness. To be free, we must stay focused on Christ and His work on the cross. Jesus is the one who removed the yoke of bondage. Don't get back to it! Don't settle! God has more for you than bondage, rule-keeping, and the torment that comes from trying to live up to a standard that can never be fully attained." - Debbie Alsdorf
I love rules, regulations, guidelines, standards, and boundaries. When I go out to shovel the sidewalk, I very carefully examine where the fenceline is so that I don't go any further than the fence. When I have to confront a youth (or leader) about an issue, I love the fact that I am not relying soley on my gut, but can point to a law/guideline/rule/doctrinal standard that is responsible. I take great comfort in those things.
When I read that God isn't about me following the rules (Gal 5:2-4), but instead is about us relying on His grace through our faith, it fills me with terror. That forces me into an intimate relationship with God, instead of relying on a list of standards to follow. This doesn't mean that the rules are bad, just when they are followed sans relationship. Sometimes, I feel as though God just watches me and laughs and laughs as He sees me try to do all the stuff I'm sure He wants me to without ever asking Him if that's the case. Sometimes, I fear He is grieving all of the opportunities I miss to have a relationship with Him, instead relying on my own strength and abilities to get through life.
Freedom is what my heart desires...my head often gets right smack-dab in the way. May my law-following self submit to the relationship God longs for me to have with Him today and every day!!
I love rules, regulations, guidelines, standards, and boundaries. When I go out to shovel the sidewalk, I very carefully examine where the fenceline is so that I don't go any further than the fence. When I have to confront a youth (or leader) about an issue, I love the fact that I am not relying soley on my gut, but can point to a law/guideline/rule/doctrinal standard that is responsible. I take great comfort in those things.
When I read that God isn't about me following the rules (Gal 5:2-4), but instead is about us relying on His grace through our faith, it fills me with terror. That forces me into an intimate relationship with God, instead of relying on a list of standards to follow. This doesn't mean that the rules are bad, just when they are followed sans relationship. Sometimes, I feel as though God just watches me and laughs and laughs as He sees me try to do all the stuff I'm sure He wants me to without ever asking Him if that's the case. Sometimes, I fear He is grieving all of the opportunities I miss to have a relationship with Him, instead relying on my own strength and abilities to get through life.
Freedom is what my heart desires...my head often gets right smack-dab in the way. May my law-following self submit to the relationship God longs for me to have with Him today and every day!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Open and Shut
Open My Eyes - Andy Hunter
Open my eyes
I want to see what You see
Show me the view
Let me feel what You feel
Open my world
I want the air You breathe
Show me the life
That’s in You
I'm feeling all disconcerted today. I know part of what's going on with me (spiritual warfare stuff), but otherwise, I'm unsure. It's funny how when I become more aware of what God's doing around me, I tend to exaggerate the other direction at times and freak out when I don't feel like He's leading me clearly enough. It's silly to believe God can control everything, yet doubt His ability to communicate with me when He needs to. Sometimes, my limits on God are frankly appalling.
I'm working on a life timeline in Beth right now. It's been interesting to try to summarize the first 13 years of my life on a piece of a paper. I certainly begin to realize how much I've been blessed and how many different ways I've seen God work throughout my entire life. It also really illustrates how I feel about Dad more clearly. My view of Dad as I was growing up is totally different than how I think of him now. I really used to have a superhero view of him, and now it's sort of like he's a totally different person in my psyche. Almost like my father died and this new guy is married to my mom and a little crazy to boot. It's really quite sad and probably indicates how I've not really dealt with the changes in Dad in a healthy way. It makes me wonder if/when I will.
Open my eyes
I want to see what You see
Show me the view
Let me feel what You feel
Open my world
I want the air You breathe
Show me the life
That’s in You
I'm feeling all disconcerted today. I know part of what's going on with me (spiritual warfare stuff), but otherwise, I'm unsure. It's funny how when I become more aware of what God's doing around me, I tend to exaggerate the other direction at times and freak out when I don't feel like He's leading me clearly enough. It's silly to believe God can control everything, yet doubt His ability to communicate with me when He needs to. Sometimes, my limits on God are frankly appalling.
I'm working on a life timeline in Beth right now. It's been interesting to try to summarize the first 13 years of my life on a piece of a paper. I certainly begin to realize how much I've been blessed and how many different ways I've seen God work throughout my entire life. It also really illustrates how I feel about Dad more clearly. My view of Dad as I was growing up is totally different than how I think of him now. I really used to have a superhero view of him, and now it's sort of like he's a totally different person in my psyche. Almost like my father died and this new guy is married to my mom and a little crazy to boot. It's really quite sad and probably indicates how I've not really dealt with the changes in Dad in a healthy way. It makes me wonder if/when I will.
"Oh, the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable His judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
'Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?'
'Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay Him?'
For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forver! Amen."
-Romans 11:33-36
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Believing God...sorta
Last week, I was convicted that I simply wasn't praying anymore. Not that God wasn't still speaking to me (He was), but that I wasn't speaking to Him. It wasn't like a huge fight, or a disagreement, or an identifiable break in our relationship; I simply stopped talking to Him. Even when I realized it, I justified it:
"Well, I just changed my routines, so I've not really settled into one that includes God yet,"
"He's still communicating with me and using me, so it's not a big deal,"
"He's not really convicted me about this yet, so I think I'm okay."
(How easy it is to justify anything. Anytime I begin to believe this isn't true, I just need to pull out a history book and be reminded :-/)
Anyway, when I said it out loud (thank God for best friends!), I realized how eternally stupid I sounded and made a decision to begin to pray again. This has led to one of the coolest weeks ever! God has constantly funneled situations and people my way to be praying about all week. It's been awesome! All of the sudden, I've been able to look at my life without focusing exclusively on me and instead see the ways God is working around me and through me. It's cool. Until this morning...
I woke up not feeling well (which is not an excuse...well, really it is an excuse) and tired. This led to a lot of time wasted this morning. When I went to get into my car, I felt a God-twinge, which meant He was speaking to me, and I felt like I wasn't supposed to leave yet. I told myself that I really didn't have time to sit around and waste; I needed to get to work (notice, "myself" instead of "God"). This led to me driving to work on just about the crappiest roads I've been on this winter, knowing the entire way that I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Finally, about a block from work, I broke down and prayed, asking God what He wanted me to do (assuming He would tell me to go on to work as I was almost there). God told me to turn around and go back. I felt so stupid. Anyway, I turned around and went home, praying the whole way. I ended up shoveling snow at my house until God said to go back to work. It was all good; God used it in my life and it certainly wasn't a problem that I wasn't at work (in fact, I realize now I wasn't supposed to be there), but why is it so hard for me to surrender and trust God - especially when I've seen what He does with my surrendered heart??!?!
I'm excited to be finishing the Beth Moore study that inspired the start of this blog, but I think I'm going to continue this blog for a while as I really have a lot of things to learn about believing God. Today, I'm going to believe that what He says is best for me, even when it contradicts my plans!
"Well, I just changed my routines, so I've not really settled into one that includes God yet,"
"He's still communicating with me and using me, so it's not a big deal,"
"He's not really convicted me about this yet, so I think I'm okay."
(How easy it is to justify anything. Anytime I begin to believe this isn't true, I just need to pull out a history book and be reminded :-/)
Anyway, when I said it out loud (thank God for best friends!), I realized how eternally stupid I sounded and made a decision to begin to pray again. This has led to one of the coolest weeks ever! God has constantly funneled situations and people my way to be praying about all week. It's been awesome! All of the sudden, I've been able to look at my life without focusing exclusively on me and instead see the ways God is working around me and through me. It's cool. Until this morning...
I woke up not feeling well (which is not an excuse...well, really it is an excuse) and tired. This led to a lot of time wasted this morning. When I went to get into my car, I felt a God-twinge, which meant He was speaking to me, and I felt like I wasn't supposed to leave yet. I told myself that I really didn't have time to sit around and waste; I needed to get to work (notice, "myself" instead of "God"). This led to me driving to work on just about the crappiest roads I've been on this winter, knowing the entire way that I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Finally, about a block from work, I broke down and prayed, asking God what He wanted me to do (assuming He would tell me to go on to work as I was almost there). God told me to turn around and go back. I felt so stupid. Anyway, I turned around and went home, praying the whole way. I ended up shoveling snow at my house until God said to go back to work. It was all good; God used it in my life and it certainly wasn't a problem that I wasn't at work (in fact, I realize now I wasn't supposed to be there), but why is it so hard for me to surrender and trust God - especially when I've seen what He does with my surrendered heart??!?!
I'm excited to be finishing the Beth Moore study that inspired the start of this blog, but I think I'm going to continue this blog for a while as I really have a lot of things to learn about believing God. Today, I'm going to believe that what He says is best for me, even when it contradicts my plans!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
But, I trust...
Was reading in Psalm 31 tonight. It's funny how I'm supposed to be much further along in this book, yet each time I do manage to read at night (like I committed to), God smacks me in the face with stuff. It's a really cool thing, except for when it hurts.
Verse 14 comes right after the author has been talking about how horrible his life is. The author says "But, I trust in You, O Lord; I say 'You are my God.' My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let Your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your unfailing love...How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in You."
Lately, it feels like it's very easy to distrust God. Even though He's doing some really cool things, I just don't like a lot of the stuff He's doing. If I were to be dramatic, I would say He's letting my enemies walk around willy-nilly and do whatever they want (I say dramatic, because I really don't have that many enemies to speak of, but the point is still, well, pointy). These verses reminded me that when I look at my world and it looks like things are falling apart at the seams, I need to say "no matter what, I trust in You." I love the phrase "my times are in Your Hands" -- especially this week as I look to get WAY more stuff done than what I actually have time to do. God's got this, whether I see it or not, so why not believe it without seeing it and receive that much more grace with my faith?!?!
Verse 14 comes right after the author has been talking about how horrible his life is. The author says "But, I trust in You, O Lord; I say 'You are my God.' My times are in Your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let Your face shine on Your servant; save me in Your unfailing love...How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in You."
Lately, it feels like it's very easy to distrust God. Even though He's doing some really cool things, I just don't like a lot of the stuff He's doing. If I were to be dramatic, I would say He's letting my enemies walk around willy-nilly and do whatever they want (I say dramatic, because I really don't have that many enemies to speak of, but the point is still, well, pointy). These verses reminded me that when I look at my world and it looks like things are falling apart at the seams, I need to say "no matter what, I trust in You." I love the phrase "my times are in Your Hands" -- especially this week as I look to get WAY more stuff done than what I actually have time to do. God's got this, whether I see it or not, so why not believe it without seeing it and receive that much more grace with my faith?!?!
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